Dem Reviews: GI Joe – The Rise Of Cobra

As a child of the 80’s, there were two movies that I had interest in this summer, not as a filmmaker but rather as a kid who got hella excited back in the days when I received Christmas gifts that consisted of robots that transformed into vehicles and fighter jets that fired brightly colored missiles at the bad guys. To look at these movies and demand that they perform on the same level as other, more “brain engaging” films is to do it and yourself an injustice. You have to able to turn off all form of adult logic and tap into that inner child that would spend an hour playing in the dirt with your Micro Machines. If you can’t do that, get the fuck on and go watch (500) Days Of Summer or something. 

Transformers 2 came out and turned out to be a massive turkey for me. Everyone (including myself) was expecting GI Joe to turn in a similar performance. Well color me surprised as I came out of that theater entertained and with a slight smile on my face. Emphasis on the “slight” after all, it is a Stephen Sommers film (and because of that, you get a special cameo appearance from a frequent collaborator that amounts to shit).

Okay, it’s pretty dumb, lets get out of the way but if you were going in here and expecting some Tom Calncy/Bourne Identity-type stuff, you already messed up by even entertaining the notion of watching this flick. The story is your standard issue, Mad Libs-style screenplay so just mix-and-match locations and situations from all other movies of this brand and you’ll catch my drift.  The blatant rip-off of the Iron Man suit with the accelerators were alright (Sommers says he thought of those years ago but I somehow doubt it was before Iron Man was created back in 1963) and they work well but the CGI made them animate very awkwardly so technically, they looked strange on screen but they were part of probably the best action sequence in the movie for me. Snake Eyes is in there for a few action sequences, does his thing but there is never that moment you realize that this guy is mad dope. That blame might go to the editing and some real crowded action sequences and unfortunately if you’ve seen most of the trailers, you’ve seen the best parts of Snake Eye’s performance in the film. Marlon Wayans is Marlon Wayans so prepare for that nonsense. Channing Tatum couldn’t act his way out of a 2nd grade play & the rest of the cast, for the most part, falls pretty flat. As for the special effects, CGI ranged from kinda good to kinda better and that seemed to bring everything down a notch for me but what are you going to do. 

Kids are going to think this film is amazing and if this film was released back then, I too would have found it pretty bad ass. It’s not a complete pile of steaming shit that was Michael Bay’s stupid fest that was Transformers 2 but rather a straight to the point, dumb summer action flick that you can enjoy watching with some popcorn and perhaps a flask of Jack Daniels in your 128oz soda. Because that’s what a real American hero would drink. Something American, I assume. Give it a chance, you just might like it.