Debbie Blog: What’s beef? Diane Sawyer & I

Gather round boys and girls … today we’re going to talk about a subject that is very near and dear to my heart: Diane Sawyer is a stupid bitch. (This was actually proven on a previous Dumb Drum post of an intoxicated Sawyer appearing on air post-Obama election. “Seeming” my ass. I know “drunk” when I see it. I’m the “pot,” so I can call the kettle “black,” my friends. )

Today, as I seduced one of my early-morning clients to my usual a.m. background noise of Good Morning America (it’s important to stay up on current events, even if you’re full of hot air), I was forced to stop mid-seduction because I became increasingly distracted by the bullshit spewing forth from Ms. Sawyer’s collagen-injected mouth.

I’m sure you all remember the story everyone couldn’t stop talking about a few months ago of the 8-year-old boy who shot and killed his father and his father’s friend. (Birth control at it’s finest!) So now the little hellion is in juvie and just pleaded “guilty” to the charge of “negligent manslaughter” for killing his dad’s friend. (P.S. How the fuck is murdering someone “negligent”? It’s not like forgetting to turn the fucking stove off and burning down your house!! How do you “accidentally” pick up a gun, point it at someone and pull the trigger. “Oh sorry! My bad!”)
Our good friend Diane, in all of her journalistic glory, was interviewing the boy’s attorneys and expressing her horror at the boy choosing, on his own, to plead guilty. “But does a 9-year-old really know the difference?” she said. “Can a 9-year-old make that kind of decision?”

So let me get this straight, Sawyer … are you saying that 9-year-olds aren’t capable of processing logical thoughts??? Do they just sit around drooling, waiting for people like you, who obviously know better, to wipe their mouths and tell them the sky is blue??? Maybe YOU couldn’t tie your shoes or speak a full sentence at nine, but that doesn’t mean that all 9-year-olds are fucking stupid! When I was nine I was doing long-division and baby-sitting my 4-year-old plastic brother. And I can assure you that I sure as hell knew that if I took a shotgun and blew a hole through him my parents would’ve fucked me up! (Forget the law! But I knew that shit too. Murder = WRONG.)

That crazy kid knew EXACTLY what he was doing when he shot his dad and his dad’s friend. He also knew it was WRONG, because he then tried to lie about doing it, and is now choosing to plead guilty. Open your eyes, you dumb bitch. (Who lies for fun?! If I’m tellin’ a lie, it’s because I am trying to SAVE MY ASS.) To quote the great Christian Bale: “What don’t you fucking understand?!”

P.S. If you’re wondering why the boy is only admitting guilt to his father’s friend’s death and not his father, that’s because our glorious court system didn’t want him to grow up having the “burden” of actually admitting to killing his own father … even though HE FUCKING SHOT HIM. How nice! Thank you, courts of America, for protecting the feelings of murderers … because Lord knows we wouldn’t want them to have any sort of emotional discomfort after they wipe someone off the face of the earth.

(Don’t forget, Debbie will be answering all your questions so if you have some questions that can only be answered by a blogger blow-up doll, feel free to send them to thedumbdrum@gmail.com with Ask Debbie in the subject)