Author Archive

Debbie Blog: That Twilight bullshit

Team Jacob or Team Edward?

Or as I like to say, “Beefcake vs. Cheesecake.”

Everywhere I turn lately, people keep asking me what team I’m on … do I want Jacob to spread whipped cream all over me or Edward to bathe with me in chocolate sauce? Is Jacob the guy I want to play doctor with or is Edward the guy I want to keep in my closet?

Ugh. People, please. Before you decide to step up to the plate and bat for Team Edward or Team Jacob, you need to make an educated, informed decision. And because I kind of like you, I’m here to help.

Being a blowup doll sucks at times (literally), but it has its benefits … like experience with men. And luckily for you, I’ve gotten to “know” all types, including your Edwards and your Jacobs.

Let’s start with our young Mr. Jacob (the Beefcake): Read more…

Debbie Blog: Plastic gets inked

Being Fresno’s favorite blowup doll (I’m just going to assume that), it’s tough for me to play the “virginity” card on any given day, or, well, pretty much ever. But a week ago I had the opportunity to roll up my sleeves and get up close and personal with a masochistic new pleasure I thought I’d never have the cajones to experience in this lifetime: getting inked.

Up until recently, while lusting after body art in restaurants … workplaces … the sidewalk … my bedroom … you get my point … I had never considered myself “that” kind of doll; my body was a wonderland (more like “playland”) only meant for prodding by objects of the fleshy type – and that’s no hot air.

However, after a year full of mishaps, maladies and mayhem, I decided that hitting the bottle and getting my jollies from foxy animals on the big screen wasn’t really doing it for me anymore. I needed to find gangster new levels of ecstasy … the pleasure within pain – and I’m not talking about the kind of pain resulting from falling down concrete stairs at friends’ apartments – that fucking sucks (and I still have bruises). I’m talking about the sweet, panties-dropping-kind-of-pain from getting inked; so that’s exactly what I decided to do.

I’ll spare you all the details of how I found the perfect artist to rock my world (J. Esparza at Resistance Gallery … check ‘em out!), changing my mind 50 times about the design, almost chickening out and blah, blah, blah.

Instead, I conducted a mini interview with myself about losing my tattoo virginity, all for your own masochistic enjoyment: Read more…

Debbie Blog: I’m Drawn To Animated Sexpots

So I had this thought a while back while watching a movie and I wanted to share it, write it down, put it out there in the world, and then I thought no way, it’s weird, people would mock me, scorn me, possibly even have me booted off the Internet, but you know what, fuck it, here it is in all its ugly truthiness: I find animated animals kind of hot.

Not all animated animals. I mean, I don’t have to change my underwear every time I watch “Finding Nemo,” mostly because I don’t wear underwear, but also because fish, as a rule, just aren’t sexy (sorry, Mr. Limpet). But it seems to me that some animated animals in some movies are meant to stir up those kinds of feelings in its audience. After all, animated movies aren’t just for kids, they’re for the bored parents who pay for the tickets, right, and if Hollywood (and the Swede casting couch) has taught me anything, it’s that adult audiences are more engaged when the main character is, you know, fuckable. Take Forrest Gump. Sure, he’s all slow and folksy and Sarah Palin-like, which is entertaining and all, but if he wasn’t at least a little hot, we wouldn’t have bought the bit about Jenny jumping his bones and then pumping out that creepy kid who sees ghosts and shit.

Read more…

Debbie Blog: Fresno, You’re Cool!

In great anticipation of my friend brodiemash’s project, “Fresno, You’re Cool,” (hint, hint) and also because I need to get out more, I’ve decided to attempt to write about what makes Fresno, well, Fresno. (I say “attempt” because we all know what a crappy, inconsistent blogger I am.)

Fresno is different for the hundreds of thousands of people who live here. Some like the heat, others like the location, some dig the healthy mix of cultures and some just can’t wait to get the heck out of dodge. But no matter what part of Fresno people live in, and whether they like beer pong or white wine spritzers, most Fresnans can agree on one thing: barbeque is delicious.

Last Friday I decided to invite some friends over for tasty smoked grub. It was a great idea in theory, until I realized that I have no idea how to barbeque. I don’t even own a barbeque. (Apparently my George Foreman Grill doesn’t count.) Read more…

Debbie Blog: What’s beef? Diane Sawyer & I

Gather round boys and girls … today we’re going to talk about a subject that is very near and dear to my heart: Diane Sawyer is a stupid bitch. (This was actually proven on a previous Dumb Drum post of an intoxicated Sawyer appearing on air post-Obama election. “Seeming” my ass. I know “drunk” when I see it. I’m the “pot,” so I can call the kettle “black,” my friends. )

Today, as I seduced one of my early-morning clients to my usual a.m. background noise of Good Morning America (it’s important to stay up on current events, even if you’re full of hot air), I was forced to stop mid-seduction because I became increasingly distracted by the bullshit spewing forth from Ms. Sawyer’s collagen-injected mouth.

I’m sure you all remember the story everyone couldn’t stop talking about a few months ago of the 8-year-old boy who shot and killed his father and his father’s friend. (Birth control at it’s finest!) So now the little hellion is in juvie and just pleaded “guilty” to the charge of “negligent manslaughter” for killing his dad’s friend. (P.S. How the fuck is murdering someone “negligent”? It’s not like forgetting to turn the fucking stove off and burning down your house!! How do you “accidentally” pick up a gun, point it at someone and pull the trigger. “Oh sorry! My bad!”) Read more…

Ever wanted to ask a sexy blow up doll a question? Now you can! Ask Debbie is here!

What’s up playas and playettes! After checking out all the feedback from my first post, I was inspired by all the ladies who love Debbie (and my not-so-gentlemanly gentlemen) … so … I’ve decided that in addition to talking about the shit I wanna talk about, I wanna talk about some of the shit you wanna talk about. You have questions, Debbie has answers … you have problems, Debbie has hot-air-filled solutions … you wanna start a discussion, hit me up. I make it my prerogative to please.

Just write to thedumbdrum@gmail.com and put “Ask Debbie” in the subject line.

Debbie has love for ya … even though I charge for some of it.

Debbie Blog: Let me introduce myself…

Ever since I appeared in Swederado (if you haven’t seen it, what the hell is wrong with you?!), brodiemash has been on my ass about writing for his damn blog. Well guess what? I had SHIT to do, okay! You think it’s easy getting through the holiday season when you’re a blow-up doll? I need cash money to support my new superstar lifestyle, thanks to the success of the swede, and my talent, of course – parties, cars, clothes ‘n shit – everybody wants a piece of Debbie’s pie!

So what’s my blog supposed to be about?

Plain and simple, my blog’s gonna be about what I want it to be about, suckas. Unless you’re throwin Benjamins my way, you can’t tell me what to do.

If I want to talk about books, I’m gonna talk about books. If I want to talk about why my mouth is open all the time, or why the sky is blue (gases and particles in the air act as prisms, scattering the shorter, choppier blue light waves more than the others … What? Just because I’m a piece of plastic, you think I don’t know that shit?) I’m gonna do it. Read more…